Taking Stock|2019: I Survived

2019 was one hell of a year- figuratively and literally.

I’ve tried to write this several times and when I finally did, the entire post was erased somehow. It took my whole being to write it in the first place, so this was followed by a lot of crying, frustration and asking myself whether I should give up or nah?

Well, if you’re reading this… nah won!

This is not a happy, curated post to tell of the greatness of my year. It is a written-by-1 am-in-frustration kind of article because somehow my life feels that way right now.

Typing this, I thought to go back to my photos to try to recall how the first day of the year went. I took pictures where I had the books I planned to read in January and I remember how hopeful the atmosphere was. The fact that I’d just finished my 50th book for 2018 less than 24 hours before I took those brought, to me, a chasmic feeling that dreams do come true.

READ ALSO: An Epic Book Vs. Movie Review | The Hate U Give

So, I decided to up my reading goal for the year- 60 books. Then, off to update my Instagram, joined the #BetterReadsChallenge and happily began the year.  Even though I had no laid down plan for this last year, the ONLY thing I can say I predicted right is that I’d finish NYSC at some point in the year- which I did.

Although vaguely, I remember the all-round positivity I felt about 52 weeks ago.

WHERE, IN THE NAME OF ICE CREAM, DID IT GO??

Let’s rewind together. Really, how was 2019?

Livin’ The Work Life

The year kicked off with my employer in 2018 still ghosting. My calls were not returned and texts left with the blue tick. So, I stayed officially jobless till February (I didn’t care much.) Eventually, the call came and my services as a locum pharmacist were somehow needed again.

I was confident that I needed to be there at the time, so I took on the job again and continued with NYSC.

Somewhere in the mix, with a few timely meetings, an opportunity that I’d subconsciously wanted for a while fell unto my lap. Following the completion of NYSC, I started the job with no experience and a truckload of anxiety.

Leaving my comfort zone has been turbulent for my mental space. I knew it won’t be easy but this feeling… is a lot. The things I say to encourage people, I can’t say to myself. I hyperventilate every day because I feel lost and like a fraud.

This job is VERY different from what I have known which makes it like a coin- double-sided with excitement and dread on both ends. Here’s to hoping I finally stabilize on the right side in 2020.

Amen? Amen.

Romance + Relationships

Watching one of my closest friends, Dolapo, get married was easily the happiest moment of 2019. It’s still interesting that it happened a few weeks after the worst one on May 14 – losing someone. It still doesn’t feel like I have the right the call his name in that way.

At that moment, I knew that this year would be mostly batshit.

After the storm comes the rainbow, yeah?

Well, Pelumi is that rainbow. After years of friendship and a lirru bit of hardship, we finally took a leap for love (I’m currently laughing at this silly expression but I won’t change it.)

A highlight of this year was meeting lot of amazing people this year and having acquaintances become friends. My older friendships really struggled this year as everyone is growing up.

READ ALSO: Life Recap | The Second Third of 2019

People are moving round the world, bagging degrees, getting married and popping babies.

I’m thankful to see us growing and it all seems so fast! Where did the time go?

Finances… Or A Lack Thereof?

2019 was the toughest financial year of my life and it needs to remain that way. I was paid all of my 12-month internship salary in bulk by late 2018 and I trusted myself too much with it- and failed. I thought about ways to hone and monetize my skills, but that didn’t materialize how I’d have liked it to.

However, I have to pat myself on the back for saving ALL of my NYSC allowance. What’s more, I am thankful for is the little stash I kept in my PiggyVest which saved me. A lot (God bless the developers of this app!)

I could not afford a lot of things that I never thought I’dhave issues with. It felt like a dream at certain points- not a good one.

On the flip side, I learnt to be truly, genuinely thankful for all the things I belittled. Overall, it was a financially humbling year.

The Dumbest Thing I Did This Year

My default is to trust people, no initial questions asked. So, an influencer talked about how a website helps you earn in dollars by sharing one ad daily- Racksterly. She raved about it and referred people there with her code. She showed proof of other people who had earned from it too.

That was how I carried my 25 year old body to pay 6739 Naira to subscribe for a month to this service that’ll pay me $1.2 daily. I tried to refer people through a WhatsApp, but not one person came on board.

This said influencer was earning bucks from people like me she referred. Some days later, the thing stopped working. Did she publicly say anything? No.

I reached out to her and she said she had sent in an email. I gave up on the thing until one day when I was closing the numerous tabs I keep open on my browser and saw that it was back up.

I felt stupid… because the whole thing, TO ME, is stupid. Why did I even do such a thing? Pay to place an ad that I can’t even remember to do everyday and try to recruit people who didn’t know me.

Maybe this will work for certain people, but Desire definitely won’t be renewing that subscription.

Best Decisions This Year

It took me two years but this blog was finally self-hosted in 2019. It was a dream come true and something that still makes me smile and feel like I achieved something.

Peer pressure isn’t utterly bad. It led me to finally taking an exam that is really important for my future (which I aced!) and to actually finishing my first online course in Project Management In Global Health.

Becoming a part of CHSS and Smile With Me Foundation led me to connecting with beautiful minds who give me hope for Nigeria’s healthcare sector and generally good people. The fact that I was actively involved in creating programs to better the health of some people provides a wholesome feeling of hope. It also makes me think about how much work we have to do. There’s a lot to be done.

Usually open and somewhat carefree in my love life, I held it to my chest for over a year because I made a decision that ended in tears the last time. However, somewhere in the middle of 2019, I finally let go and its been great. Nothing’s ever perfect, but there’s no feeling in the world that can describe knowing that someone’s got you, no matter what.

I want to say I grew this year, and maybe in some ways Idid. However, it doesn’t feel palpable, you know?

What’s important is that I, that WE are here walking intoanother chance.

One that will materialize.

One that will be palpable.

Simply because… there is no other way.

I focused a lot on the wrong being in 2019- Desire. This coming year, my focus will be on God- no matter what. I will keep speaking, thinking, practicing until I feel Him.

God is here with us, always. He sees and knows it all.

He wants the best for us and I will keep reminding myself that our best days are ahead.

2020 will be amazing!

How did 2019 go for you? Here for the ups and downs! Do share with us in the comments.VENI. VIDI. AMAVI.

Desire.