The whirlwind that was the second third (the past four months) of 2019 is not easy to describe. You know how you feel like things cannot be any different- not worse- just different. It happens when you are in a ‘safe' place in life and you don’t think life can take a different turn... until it does.
The first quarter of this year was quite good, as I said here. As every average human, my thought going into the next quarter was the rest of the year will be the best of the year.
Well, things did turn out different. Smack in the middle of May, I lost someone really important and it SUCKED. For a while, I felt like I was walking on air- and not in a good way. I asked God so many questions. Why him? Why now? What is the point of life if we are going to die? Why didn’t we get a proper goodbye, at least??
It has been a couple of months and I cannot talk about him in the past tense. In fact, the fact that I am writing about him now scares the hell out of me.
The past four months have probably been the most unstable for me mentally. For the first time in my life, I seriously considered going to therapy. I probably will, eventually.
There are too many thoughts partying in my mind and it seems that if I keep writing I will not stop. So, I decided to take a cue from one of my favourite bloggers, Cassie Daves, Taking Stock posts to recap these four months;
Eating: Rice and more rice. I really think rice will grow on my head soon. There was a brief time where I started taking more fruit and vegetables, but that was quite short-lived. Plus, do you know that pineapples went from 200 to 400 Naira?
I had ice-cream only twice this quarter- and one time was SuperYogo. Tragic stuff.
Drinking: Water. A lot of it actually. Soda in all forms has lost its taste. I bought Pepsi once or twice and still didn’t finish it. Maybe old age that is finally creeping in and dealing with my taste buds.
Feeling: Confused, mehn. NYSC ends in a couple of months and the ‘next step’ decision is such an elephant in the room that is my life. This adulting thing na scam las las. Please, say a prayer for me (seriously.)
Reading: And After Many Days by Johwor Ile. I am a few pages in and I already love it. I am also reading Tina Shot Me Between The Eyes (a short story collection) and I have been carrying it around for months. God safe me.
Read Also: This Is The Truth|| The Future Is NOT Female
Wanting: A committed, firm, loving relationship with my Abba. I know that once I begin ‘settling’ with God, ALL other things will come in due time. I need Him so bad!!
Realizing: That we literally have one life. I am so much bigger than I give myself credit for. The feeling of ambiguity that plagues me is temporary and I will be fine- because God is always with me. I finally figured that I have period-induced mental changes.
Considering: Seriously looking into ‘business’. The Igbo girl in me seems to think that having a physical trade of sorts is the best way to make money as opposed to service provision. I may be wrong but that’s where my head is at, currently. Any ideas for your girl?
Wasting: The most important resource ever – TIME. Whew! Needed to admit that.
Creating: A more positive, non-frustrated, God-trusting mind. Also, content is being prepared. I think I am finally embracing this ‘content creator’ tag, you know?
Excited about: MY BIRTHDAY!!!!! I turn 25 in 18 days. Remember what I said about old age? It is banging on the gate. Also mad excited for my friends who are leaving for a new country this month.
Loving: This new blog here and blog comments! I love, love getting the comment notification because it helps me interact with you and tells me that someone out there is reading. Please, leave one (or a couple), will you?
Proud of: The work we have done at CHSS. In May, I had the privilege to join CHSS as Director of Medical Relations after meeting up with Lauretta (I won her Instagram giveaway, we met and the rest is history.) So far, we have done work that I am so proud of and we have more coming up.
Not proud of: My texting habits. My WhatsApp is, 99.9% of the time, a mess and I find it so hard to deal with that platform for some reason. I hide so much and avoid the app like a plague. WhatsApp anxiety is real, guys.
Uncertainty and anxiety took me on a ride this quarter. I constantly found myself battling them on and off. Writing this now, it feels like I say this wayyy too frequently. I feel like people who have followed my blog for a while will be wondering, ‘Desire, you have come again with your life-is-confusing woes.’ It is what it is, though.
For a while, I have been going through varying stages of an identity crisis in progression. Maybe ‘figuring it out’ is something that never really happens. Maybe life is all about changes and gravitating towards them…or maybe not. My phone was on flight mode a lot this quarter because sometimes I literally wanted to run away from people.
All I wanted to do was eat ice cream, watch my favourite Youtubers’ vlogs and sleep endlessly. On some days, I did the latter two. At other times, I showed up; that’s what you do in life.
My Only Goal For The Rest Of The Year
The rest of this year will be the best of this year. I see it. I claim it. I receive it. The only goal I have is to be INTENTIONAL in my relationship with God. He has been on the surface for too long- one-minute prayers, unfinished Bible plans, Instagram caption presence. It is time that he gets his rightful place, yeah? He is my whole, entire and I know that once He is here, everything else will be in place.
The second quarter of 2019 was not totally bad, but I won’t miss it.
How was your second quarter? Any goals for the rest of the year? Speak it to exist in the comments!
Thank you for reading!