The whirlwind that was the second third (the past four months) of 2019 is not easy to describe. You know how you feel like things cannot be any different- not worse- just different. It happens when you are in a ‘safe' place in life and you don’t think life can take a different turn... until it does.
The first quarter of this year was quite good, as I said here. As every average human, my thought going into the next quarter was the rest of the year will be the best of the year.
Well, things did turn out different. Smack in the middle of May, I lost someone really important and it SUCKED. For a while, I felt like I was walking on air- and not in a good way. I asked God so many questions. Why him? Why now? What is the point of life if we are going to die? Why didn’t we get a proper goodbye, at least??
It has been a couple of months and I cannot talk about him in the past tense. In fact, the fact that I am writing about him now scares the hell out of me.
The past four months have probably been the most unstable for me mentally. For the first time in my life, I seriously considered going to therapy. I probably will, eventually.
There are too many thoughts partying in my mind and it seems that if I keep writing I will not stop. So, I decided to take a cue from one of my favourite bloggers, Cassie Daves, Taking Stock posts to recap these four months;
Eating: Rice and more rice. I really think rice will grow on my head soon. There was a brief time where I started taking more fruit and vegetables, but that was quite short-lived. Plus, do you know that pineapples went from 200 to 400 Naira?
I had ice-cream only twice this quarter- and one time was SuperYogo. Tragic stuff.
Drinking: Water. A lot of it actually. Soda in all forms has lost its taste. I bought Pepsi once or twice and still didn’t finish it. Maybe old age that is finally creeping in and dealing with my taste buds.
Feeling: Confused, mehn. NYSC ends in a couple of months and the ‘next step’ decision is such an elephant in the room that is my life. This adulting thing na scam las las. Please, say a prayer for me (seriously.)
Reading: And After Many Days by Johwor Ile. I am a few pages in and I already love it. I am also reading Tina Shot Me Between The Eyes (a short story collection) and I have been carrying it around for months. God safe me.
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Wanting: A committed, firm, loving relationship with my Abba. I know that once I begin ‘settling’ with God, ALL other things will come in due time. I need Him so bad!!
Realizing: That we literally have one life. I am so much bigger than I give myself credit for. The feeling of ambiguity that plagues me is temporary and I will be fine- because God is always with me. I finally figured that I have period-induced mental changes.
Considering: Seriously looking into ‘business’. The Igbo girl in me seems to think that having a physical trade of sorts is the best way to make money as opposed to service provision. I may be wrong but that’s where my head is at, currently. Any ideas for your girl?
Wasting: The most important resource ever – TIME. Whew! Needed to admit that.
Creating: A more positive, non-frustrated, God-trusting mind. Also, content is being prepared. I think I am finally embracing this ‘content creator’ tag, you know?
Excited about: MY BIRTHDAY!!!!! I turn 25 in 18 days. Remember what I said about old age? It is banging on the gate. Also mad excited for my friends who are leaving for a new country this month.
Loving: This new blog here and blog comments! I love, love getting the comment notification because it helps me interact with you and tells me that someone out there is reading. Please, leave one (or a couple), will you?
Proud of: The work we have done at CHSS. In May, I had the privilege to join CHSS as Director of Medical Relations after meeting up with Lauretta (I won her Instagram giveaway, we met and the rest is history.) So far, we have done work that I am so proud of and we have more coming up.
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Not proud of: My texting habits. My WhatsApp is, 99.9% of the time, a mess and I find it so hard to deal with that platform for some reason. I hide so much and avoid the app like a plague. WhatsApp anxiety is real, guys.
Uncertainty and anxiety took me on a ride this quarter. I constantly found myself battling them on and off. Writing this now, it feels like I say this wayyy too frequently. I feel like people who have followed my blog for a while will be wondering, ‘Desire, you have come again with your life-is-confusing woes.’ It is what it is, though.
For a while, I have been going through varying stages of an identity crisis in progression. Maybe ‘figuring it out’ is something that never really happens. Maybe life is all about changes and gravitating towards them…or maybe not. My phone was on flight mode a lot this quarter because sometimes I literally wanted to run away from people.
All I wanted to do was eat ice cream, watch my favourite Youtubers’ vlogs and sleep endlessly. On some days, I did the latter two. At other times, I showed up; that’s what you do in life.
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My Only Goal For The Rest Of The Year
The rest of this year will be the best of this year. I see it. I claim it. I receive it. The only goal I have is to be INTENTIONAL in my relationship with God. He has been on the surface for too long- one-minute prayers, unfinished Bible plans, Instagram caption presence. It is time that he gets his rightful place, yeah? He is my whole, entire and I know that once He is here, everything else will be in place.
The second quarter of 2019 was not totally bad, but I won’t miss it.
How was your second quarter? Any goals for the rest of the year? Speak it to exist in the comments!
Thank you for reading!
VENI. VIDI. AMAVI.
Desire.
Yo! First off, I really enjoyed the post. I think I’m starting to get a high off knowing that we all are doing this life thing together, showing up as much as we can, when we can (Sonder – wrote about this in my last blog post)… Brings me to the conclusion that we can’t completely figure life out – got a #LetterfromMoe some minutes ago and babe talked about fear and I’m like guy! Haven’t you blown already or something? So I guess we just have to keep showing up, in spite of anything.
I’m also with you on that wasting time thing, literally slept for like 12 hours recently and I wasn’t really sleeping – just didn’t want to deal with the world. And time is like the most precious resource on earth. Mehn. My mantra has been ‘Kunmi, keep your promises to yourself and don’t let yourself down.’ Still working on that. Cheers to the rest of the year (and a better relationship with Abba❤️).🥂
A whole blog post in the comments, I know 🙃🙈
I love this comment!!! I haven’t read my LetterFromMoe for the week yet. Honestly, there is so much and there is comfort in knowing that we all are doing this together.
In fact, recently, I was talking to a friend about how our parents have probably been winging it all these years and they turned out doing great. I believe we’d do just as great or even better.
I think we need to give ourselves more credit, honestly. We don’t do that enough.
Hey desire, I truly enjoyed reading this. I’m sorry about who you lost but I’m sure you’ll get out of it stronger. If you need to go see a therapist, please do that ASAP. Finishing NYSC in a bit!!! Congratulations in advance and I’m sure there are better things waiting for you after that. Kudos on your work at CHSS. Been seeing the impact all over social media and I’m proud of you guys. You’ll do well girl. I’m rooting for you!
Hi Ezinne!
I am so happy to see you here. Thank you one more time for making this blog come alive!
I believe greater things are truly coming for US! Honestly, I cannot wait to be done and I have to keep enjoying where I am on my way to where I am going. A solid Amen! to your prayers.
Honestly, thank you so much my girl!
Have a beautiful week everyone
Adulthood issa scam. I love riceee and i think we have similar interest in getting closer to God. Wishing you all the best for the rest of the year. ❤️
Tee! Thank you so much for coming here. I was beaming when I saw your comment. Amen to your prayers and I wish you the same and more.
The rest of the year will be the best of the year!!
This was a really good read Desire. We are all figuring this thing called life out. Sending you live and light❤
Thank you Daara! I really appreciate this! God will keep leading us ♥️♥️
First, I enjoyed reading this. It’s also very comforting to realise that you’re not the only one who doesn’t have it all figured out. The second quarter wasn’t really bad for me. I started to do things that I was lazy about before and I’m really grateful. Yes, Superyogo is tragic
SuperYogo IS tragic. It feels better to know that I am not alone, but I believe we will keep figuring it out! I wish you so much better these coming months!! Thank you so much for reading.
Desire, you are really authentic. Keep on being real and inspiring people.
You go girl
Hi Ibukun!! Thank you, thank you for always reading and leaving a comment.
Girrrrlll! So I used to think your WhatsApp habits were a bit weird but girlfriend, i totally think the opposite now, WhatsApp anxiety is a real condition but I’m not even gonna fight it(in the spirit of laying off social media and staring at screens too often). Also, I can absolutely relate with having regular anxiety, the first quarter of my year was my anxiety-filled period, it was a fierce battle, but I WON…. will share some of my survival tips with you privately. Lastly, girllll you are not alone in the after NYSC confusion and trying to find a business……I sincerely want my last quarter to be fun, full of completed projects and tasks and I want to see myself as a more proactive and productive person when I’m done with this year.
AMEN TO YOUR PRAYERS!!
Thank you for understanding me and for the song!!!
I have been listening to it non-stop. I believe that God has got us and will guide us. Lowkey can’t wait for NYSC to end.
I also want to go back to KARATE!!!! Oluchi has left me and relocated to the island🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I didn’t even know she had! I really miss Karate too. We NEED to go back.
It doesn’t matter how you started, what really matters is how you end… God’s guidance is all we need
AMEN. He really is all we need.
Thank you!
There’s something about your writing Desire that keeps one enthralled till the end. It’s simply beautiful. Also, thank you for sharing what the second quarter was like for you. Being vulnerable with your pain is a whole new level of bravery and you just displayed that. Thank you for carrying us along on your journey that is altogether beautiful. I thank God for the gift of you.
P.S Plixxxx dearrrr, work on your WhatsApp. We are many that want to flog you😭😭😭😭
God will help me with this WhatsApp thing mehn! I need help with it so bad!
My darling, you are such a big part of my support system and I thank God for you. Thank you, thank you.
Desire,l never knew you are such a great written,lm so proud of you,you are one of the girls l used to admire in pharmacy school some years back,thumb up deari,God got your back
Mrs. Ogbuja!!! Thank you so much. Your comment has warmed my heart to a great extent. So much.
Thank you Ma!
Please I want to learn how to edit picturessssss.
Plus, I think that WhatsApp thing might be in the blood.
I’ll teach you this weekend, dear.
I think it is too. We need to change our ways.
Awww dear Desire!! First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. Second, you should -definitely go to therapy. It’s not that deep. There’s no reason to avoid it . Granted you choose a good therapist, it should help you a lot!
Loved reading these stocks! The rice part was funny haha. I get sick of rice and try to diversify with gluten-free pasta and sweet potatoes.
Feel better soon!
My new post: http://www.desiringsme.com/3-reasons-to-try/
I enjoyed reading this and I’m so sorry for your loss. Lately, I’ve been struggling with loss as well (and the thought of it). I almost feel guilty for showboating on social media when there’s so much pain and suffering everywhere I look. I could write an epistle but I’ll stop here.
I hope the rest of the year is wonderful for you. PS: love the pictures! Is that Bolivar?
Hi Desire…
I am so sorry about who you lost, may his soul rest in peace. I have been eating rice a lot too but I won’t even complain cause I love rice😂
About CHSS.. you guys are doing such a good guy❤️
Getting closer to God has also been on my mind and it has been happening. I love your smile Desire
I totally enjoyed reading this. I also lost my friend during the second quarter and it did hurt. I just couldn’t get over the finality of it all… the fact that he is gone forever still doesn’t make sense.
http://www.sincerelychi.wordpress.com
Desire, accept my condolence on your loss. I hate death, I wish it never was!
This year has been so… There are sincerely no words to describe it. Interning at LUTH has been like the craziest, busiest, hardest and ‘tiredest’ part of my journey so far. To think I waited a year and some for this, phew! I’m glad I’m in the last lap.
Now, thoughts on NYSC have come in and I am lost on staying in Lagos or going someplace else. I have decided to stay in camp rather than skip as I always planned. I hope I have the best of whatever I choose. Surely, I know the clinic will be escape plan. Being a medic sure has it’s perks. Thanks for giving me a clue on camp life.
This thing with Abba? It’s a struggle mehn! But I’m determined to blaze, I know it’s intentional and I am getting there. I wish I had a prayer partner or team like in school days.
I can be so self sufficient a lot of times and my relationships suffer. These last lap, I want to be more intentional about my relationships with God and man.
I turn 25 in a few! I should dance, it’s my silver jubilee but I’m weary, of things to come. Funny, I have started getting the ‘when are you getting married question’ from not too important people. Lol.
One thing I know, Abba’s got my back, till the end!
PS: This feels like an epistle but this post resonated with me on all angles. I also know it’s a mix of comments from two posts.
You’re an amazing writer!