Growing Pains? | Having Suicidal Thoughts For The First Time

A post on what it feels like to have suicidal thoughts for the first time

My phone says it’s 12:14 am on the 25th of January 2020.

Tears are streaming down my face. I have tried to stop them, but the liquid keeps pouring.

Everything else seems to dwindle by the minute.

I still feel like a fraud, especially in my job. I freeze. A lot.

I still don’t think I can do this.

By this, I mean life via adulthood.

All of a sudden, the dread deepens.

What if I never make it?

What am I truly useful for?

What have I started and finished in the best way?

Desire, why the hell are tears running down your face now???

What is your flipping problem?

Why are you so ungrateful for all you have?

How did you go from an optimistic, confident queen to this wimp you’ve become?

Why are you running away from everything? From everyone?

Where is your joy?

WHAT. IS. THE. POINT. OF. ALL. THESE?

Dear God, please answer.

At this point, the thoughts come.

I can’t even believe that they did and I am scared shitless, but yup, it happened.

Over the past few years, I keep asking God to bring an end to this world. The pain, disparity in and declining nature of life doesn’t come off as worth a grain of salt.

It’s different this time though- I want my world to end.

I’m just tired.

Of mediocrity (or even lower.)

Of crying.

Of feelings that I don’t understand.

I know my twenties are supposed to be tough and confusing, but my soul feels drained.

Maybe I am weak and quite frankly, I don’t care.

What I do know is that I thought about my life ending.

How is it possible to have love, feel love and still feel nothing?

How?

This is a new level unlocked.

I have considered and made an attempt at going to therapy. Maybe I will eventually, but I don’t even want to hear the suggestion from anyone.

Oh, I still pray and read my Bible too, even more frequently than I have done over the years.

Please, don’t try to chip it in either.

This is is NOT the time, I promise you.

For the first time, I had suicidal thoughts. It may be hormones raging, but it was real.

I don’t think I want any soothing words.

The reason I put this ‘out there’ is because I believe I will come back to this, smiling and thankful.

I will be in a place where I see a young twenty-something losing her head when I am in my thirties (or older,) and I can show her this and it will help her realize that it gets better.

It gets better?

It gets better.

It is better.

It just has to be.

VENI. VIDI. AMAVI.

Desire.

6 thoughts on “Growing Pains? | Having Suicidal Thoughts For The First Time

  1. Yeah, it definitely will get better Desire. I’ve gone through so many of your blog post and though, it’s quite difficult to say I know you. one thing I do know is that you’re not gonna quit cause you got this! it may seem blurry but with time, it would be crystal. Hang in there D. You are so full of life, and I enjoy coming to this space. It only gets better D. God’s got you. With so much love and prayers too, Ochez.

  2. I have been here on several occasions and on some days the thoughts stay lingering. Know that you are not alone in this and a good number of us share these same thoughts and struggles, I hope that this knowledge brings some solace, however little. As one of my friends told me recently, we should do our best not to get defeated by the world and its ills. Still don’t make so much sense to me, because I am like why does it even have to be like this, why do we have to fight so much? There are no answers good enough but we’re staying undefeated regardless. I hope it all makes sense in the end, the struggles and all of the rest. It’s okay to take a break, to cry and scream and lash out, but always remember this – You are still an optimistic, confident queen (that much is evident in your closing statements) who is human enough to acknowledge that she gets overwhelmed sometimes. Might not look like it but there are better days ahead, so buy your fav tub of ice-cream and dig in! I love you, babe.

  3. Something someone told me a while ago was to keep swimming and to never allow myself to drown. The mind is a very powerful tool because even in the depth of my most difficult days, I always hear that voice “keep swimming”. I hope that I am able to transfer this resilience to you as well and maybe my voice continuously pops in your head whenever these thoughts start overwhelming you.

    Keep Swimming!
    Love, Bugo x

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